Helping Someone Grieving– What Should I Do?
When someone you care about suffers a loss, they need continuing support. Immediately after the loss there are frequently many people around providing food and comfort. Since the loss is fresh in the minds of supporters, they tend to bring the meals of comfort, send texts, notes, and flowers, help with chores, and other gestures of support. This support tends to wane as the time goes on, leaving the mourner at times alone.
Grief is an individual process with its own unique timeline. How an individual grieves for one loss does not predict how they will grieve for a different loved one. As one journeys through Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), they are not linear stops, and the grieving person may go backward and forward through the stages several times. The relationship between the individual grieving, the loved one, and the circumstances of death often impact the grief journey.
What was the relationship between the individual mourning and the loved one? Were they happy or estranged? Did they communicate frequently or was there a lot of “unfinished-business” between them? Consider if the death was anticipated and came after a long illness or was the result of a tragic accident. Had the loved one been taken at a young age with a bright future ahead, or had the individual lived a rich and full life?
What other stressors is the grieving individual managing?
- Loss of a different family member or friend in the recent past
- Divorce or loss of a job
- Recent receipt of a terminal diagnosis or other crushing news
- Religious or cultural customs that may not be in alignment for the one grieving and other family members, making this a challenging time
Grieving is a special time for the one who sustained the loss. It is about supporting them, and not sharing our experiences with loss or reframing their thoughts. It is a time to acknowledge the loss and not ask details about the death. Respect privacy and provide a shoulder of support.
- Keep it about the one grieving and the loved one
- Check-in regularly during the first few weeks
- Be there to listen and hold a hand, listen, sometimes silence is best
- Reach out at 3, 6, 9 & 12 months, make a call or send a card
- Acknowledge and reach out at holidays
- Pay tribute – make a donation in their memory, support a favorite cause or charity
- Don’t ignore the existence of the loved one. Mention their name
- Reach out on special dates – birthdays & anniversaries
- Avoid judging, remember that grief is individual with its own timeline